Chris

by Big Nothing

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about

Recorded and produced by Evan Bernard at a cabin in Narrowsburg, NY in the summer of 2018.

Mixed by Evan Bernard and Chris Baglivo.

Mastered by Ryan Schwabe.

Cover photo by Liz Parsons.

credits

released May 10, 2019

license

all rights reserved

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Big Nothing Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Chris
Liz
Matt
Pat

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Track Name: Waste My Time
I can’t stand still long enough to see your grace
I’ve got places, I’ve got people, I’ve got time to waste
It seems there’s one thing that’s always on my mind
If I don’t know why I’m looking then what can I hope to find out?

I’ll find out when I find out.

I’m watching the sunrise drift across the state.
Southern ties, in Georgia’s eyes we’re Carolina’s waste.
But there ain’t no place nowhere else that I
Would rather be so I’ll see you when I find out.
I’ll find out when I find out.
I don’t want to waste my time on it.
Track Name: Calm Me Down
Back home. Back on my own. I think I’ll stay inside.
Lock all the doors and windows.
Can’t explain what I mean when I say I’m fine
Leaving you in the dark all the time.

What is it that you see in me
When I get so goddamn mean?

Sometimes I can’t feel my brain. An empty pool on a hot day.
My thoughts all float away.
I might seem unaware about the things all around me
My actions translate to I don’t care.

What is it that you see in me
When I get so goddamn mean?
I like myself - but not right now.
I hurt me best, but you know how to calm me down.
Track Name: Always Prepared
I fall asleep so much sooner than before.
I don’t feed off the nighttime anymore.
I feel my body breaking down. I feel my feet stuck to the ground.
I can see the door.
Always prepared to be let down.
Me and time.

Play it slow. I can’t keep up with that pace.
I don’t know how much longer I can wait.
I spent forever in that place never knowing that it was a race.
I need more than this fate.

Always prepared to be let down.
Me and time - we can’t see eye to eye anymore.
Track Name: Carried Away
You’ve been running through my mind.
And I’ve been chasing after.
Now I’m falling far behind
And you just run faster.
If the pace is picking up
And I’m almost out of time
Did you go ahead or wait?
Did you wait at the finish line?

Or were you carried away?
It got you carried away.

Your mother’s waking up
While your father’s sleeping in.
On the porch I’m knocking soft
But no one’s listening
And I know that you’re not home
It’s been a year you’re missing
But I keep you close at times
When I’m reminiscing.

Carried away.
It got you carried away.

I’m missing you.
Track Name: Quiet One
I’m impatiently pacing through the floor
Because I’ve been consistently bored since I got here.
I’m a blunted piece of steel that starts to rust
Like the fatal flaw in us. It’s in the waiting.

Because we’re never sure so we sit still and just wait for more
And I take it. Yeah - and I hate it.

I stop and start because I don’t know what to say.
And I know that that’s just not OK, so I’ll find something.
I’m a missing part. A slowly dying art.
I feel like I was nothing from the start. I feel like I was nothing.

I stood up straight and I bit my tongue.
I called myself the quiet one while I waited.
Yeah - while I faded.
Track Name: Honey
Walk softly so that I don't wake
And the moon will take it's time flooding my room
Speak harshly so that I don't stray
Because I'm used to things being harder for me and easier for you
It's all wrong, but what can I do?

"Please honey, please come with me"
Is that all I want to hear?

So I take a walk
And then I go for a drive
Thinking all the while about nothing much besides
The validity that I want so badly
From those I can't seem to keep satisfied
I wanna feel important or at least balanced
Wish I didn't but I'm not that calloused.
Track Name: Real Name
I was lying in our deep talks
Because I don’t want to disappoint you too much
No one ever taught me how to be anything but ashamed.
I’m finding faces in the floorboards.
The wooden patterns stare at me like they’re bored.
It’s like a song in my head but I can’t figure out the chords.

No one ever calls me by my real name.
They just right through me. It’s a damn shame.

I was lying when we caught up.
Because I know you don’t care about me all that much.
You’re just waiting for the next time you can speak.
I’m turning corners walking nowhere.
I’m asking questions but there’s no one there.
I ain’t low enough to stop breathing so my lungs will hold on to the air.

Time will poison your heart.
If you’re trying to close your eyes
And count the seconds as they go by
Time will poison your heart.
Track Name: Untitled
She’s painting pictures. The quiet kind.
A calm and collected version of the chaos on her mind.
Her brother’s calling. I’m picking up the phone.
Saying next to nothing. Thinking I might know.

When it feels like something’s missing
And it feels like you don’t know
Try to find a place that you can always go.

You’re checking into a hotel on your own.
Seventh story window. Falling all alone.
I was hoping I could find you. I was driving all night long.
I was circling the city. I was afraid that you’d been gone too long.

When you’ve been thinking that it’s constantly becoming something
Something that you can’t ignore
And you’re finally facing all the flaws and faults and feelings
And falling to the floor.
Track Name: Autopilot
I’m caught in a daydream about leaving here for good.
Maybe if I move down to Virginia, I’ll find myself in a better mood.
But Gabby always says when I’m freaking out and feeling incomplete
“Wherever you go - there you’ll be.”
There you’ll be.

A seedy motel where your family spent
Your birthdays when you were young
It was the place that I felt out of place
Around the people that I love
Is it me? Or is it the weed? Or the beach in February
That’s got me feeling pathetic? I’ll never get it.
I’ll always think you hate me.

All of this feels unreal - it feels like I’m dead.
So I hit cruise control so I can’t hear the thoughts inside my head.

Pump me full of caffeine.
I will fly autopilot.

It’s so hard to tell what I’m thinking about
When the music is blaring loud.
I think that it’s better that way.
It puts some space between my brain and my stupid mouth.
I’m feeling old and more ignored.
I’m like a dead rose without the thorns.
I don’t feel like lying - it’s too much work. I’ll just wait out the storm.

Oh my god. I feel so dumb when I’m trapped inside my head.
I can see that you want to run. Will you stay with me instead?

Pump me full of caffeine.
I will fly autopilot.
I will fly until I burn up in the sky.
Track Name: Sister
I remember you pushed me off the rocks when we were young
And even today a bruise still can't convince you
That what you did was wrong.
I'm empathetic in a different way
I feel more for the grass flattened under my feet
More for the bugs crushed on my windshield than I do for you.

It's a shame to see you sinking like a stone under your weight
But it's so hard to see in that murky water
You don't know what's in your way.

You're the only thing that I lost this year that I didn't seem to miss
Because I never got to know you before the angels dusted you.

I can't stand you in the same room
So I had to walk away.

I'm no more your little sister than I am a total stranger.
Track Name: Can't Stop
You said you’ll remember all the ways
That it made you feel like you were counting down the days.
I feel stuck forever in an idle haze
Like I’m in the dark and I don’t know what to say.

I bite my fingernails as the seasons bounce around.

I can’t stop. I can’t slow down.

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