by Big Nothing

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  • "Chris" Vinyl LP
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    - Front cover photo taken by Liz Parsons // back cover designed by Chris Jordan

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I can’t stand still long enough to see your grace I’ve got places, I’ve got people, I’ve got time to waste It seems there’s one thing that’s always on my mind If I don’t know why I’m looking then what can I hope to find out? I’ll find out when I find out. I’m watching the sunrise drift across the state. Southern ties, in Georgia’s eyes we’re Carolina’s waste. But there ain’t no place nowhere else that I Would rather be so I’ll see you when I find out. I’ll find out when I find out. I don’t want to waste my time on it.
Calm Me Down 02:14
Back home. Back on my own. I think I’ll stay inside. Lock all the doors and windows. Can’t explain what I mean when I say I’m fine Leaving you in the dark all the time. What is it that you see in me When I get so goddamn mean? Sometimes I can’t feel my brain. An empty pool on a hot day. My thoughts all float away. I might seem unaware about the things all around me My actions translate to I don’t care. What is it that you see in me When I get so goddamn mean? I like myself - but not right now. I hurt me best, but you know how to calm me down.
I fall asleep so much sooner than before. I don’t feed off the nighttime anymore. I feel my body breaking down. I feel my feet stuck to the ground. I can see the door. Always prepared to be let down. Me and time. Play it slow. I can’t keep up with that pace. I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I spent forever in that place never knowing that it was a race. I need more than this fate. Always prepared to be let down. Me and time - we can’t see eye to eye anymore.
Carried Away 02:58
You’ve been running through my mind. And I’ve been chasing after. Now I’m falling far behind And you just run faster. If the pace is picking up And I’m almost out of time Did you go ahead or wait? Did you wait at the finish line? Or were you carried away? It got you carried away. Your mother’s waking up While your father’s sleeping in. On the porch I’m knocking soft But no one’s listening And I know that you’re not home It’s been a year you’re missing But I keep you close at times When I’m reminiscing. Carried away. It got you carried away. I’m missing you.
Quiet One 03:02
I’m impatiently pacing through the floor Because I’ve been consistently bored since I got here. I’m a blunted piece of steel that starts to rust Like the fatal flaw in us. It’s in the waiting. Because we’re never sure so we sit still and just wait for more And I take it. Yeah - and I hate it. I stop and start because I don’t know what to say. And I know that that’s just not OK, so I’ll find something. I’m a missing part. A slowly dying art. I feel like I was nothing from the start. I feel like I was nothing. I stood up straight and I bit my tongue. I called myself the quiet one while I waited. Yeah - while I faded.
Honey 03:08
Walk softly so that I don't wake And the moon will take it's time flooding my room Speak harshly so that I don't stray Because I'm used to things being harder for me and easier for you It's all wrong, but what can I do? "Please honey, please come with me" Is that all I want to hear? So I take a walk And then I go for a drive Thinking all the while about nothing much besides The validity that I want so badly From those I can't seem to keep satisfied I wanna feel important or at least balanced Wish I didn't but I'm not that calloused.
Real Name 03:01
I was lying in our deep talks Because I don’t want to disappoint you too much No one ever taught me how to be anything but ashamed. I’m finding faces in the floorboards. The wooden patterns stare at me like they’re bored. It’s like a song in my head but I can’t figure out the chords. No one ever calls me by my real name. They just right through me. It’s a damn shame. I was lying when we caught up. Because I know you don’t care about me all that much. You’re just waiting for the next time you can speak. I’m turning corners walking nowhere. I’m asking questions but there’s no one there. I ain’t low enough to stop breathing so my lungs will hold on to the air. Time will poison your heart. If you’re trying to close your eyes And count the seconds as they go by Time will poison your heart.
Untitled 03:22
She’s painting pictures. The quiet kind. A calm and collected version of the chaos on her mind. Her brother’s calling. I’m picking up the phone. Saying next to nothing. Thinking I might know. When it feels like something’s missing And it feels like you don’t know Try to find a place that you can always go. You’re checking into a hotel on your own. Seventh story window. Falling all alone. I was hoping I could find you. I was driving all night long. I was circling the city. I was afraid that you’d been gone too long. When you’ve been thinking that it’s constantly becoming something Something that you can’t ignore And you’re finally facing all the flaws and faults and feelings And falling to the floor.
Autopilot 03:24
I’m caught in a daydream about leaving here for good. Maybe if I move down to Virginia, I’ll find myself in a better mood. But Gabby always says when I’m freaking out and feeling incomplete “Wherever you go - there you’ll be.” There you’ll be. A seedy motel where your family spent Your birthdays when you were young It was the place that I felt out of place Around the people that I love Is it me? Or is it the weed? Or the beach in February That’s got me feeling pathetic? I’ll never get it. I’ll always think you hate me. All of this feels unreal - it feels like I’m dead. So I hit cruise control so I can’t hear the thoughts inside my head. Pump me full of caffeine. I will fly autopilot. It’s so hard to tell what I’m thinking about When the music is blaring loud. I think that it’s better that way. It puts some space between my brain and my stupid mouth. I’m feeling old and more ignored. I’m like a dead rose without the thorns. I don’t feel like lying - it’s too much work. I’ll just wait out the storm. Oh my god. I feel so dumb when I’m trapped inside my head. I can see that you want to run. Will you stay with me instead? Pump me full of caffeine. I will fly autopilot. I will fly until I burn up in the sky.
Sister 03:24
I remember you pushed me off the rocks when we were young And even today a bruise still can't convince you That what you did was wrong. I'm empathetic in a different way I feel more for the grass flattened under my feet More for the bugs crushed on my windshield than I do for you. It's a shame to see you sinking like a stone under your weight But it's so hard to see in that murky water You don't know what's in your way. You're the only thing that I lost this year that I didn't seem to miss Because I never got to know you before the angels dusted you. I can't stand you in the same room So I had to walk away. I'm no more your little sister than I am a total stranger.
Can't Stop 02:13
You said you’ll remember all the ways That it made you feel like you were counting down the days. I feel stuck forever in an idle haze Like I’m in the dark and I don’t know what to say. I bite my fingernails as the seasons bounce around. I can’t stop. I can’t slow down.


Recorded and produced by Evan Bernard at a cabin in Narrowsburg, NY in the summer of 2018.

Mixed by Evan Bernard and Chris Baglivo.

Mastered by Ryan Schwabe.

Cover photo by Liz Parsons.


released May 10, 2019


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Big Nothing Philadelphia, Pennsylvania


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